dear ___,
i regret the contentiousness of our unintelligible discussion this evening concerning friendship. the one conclusion i drew from it is that you are still very hurt by the way i've treated you over the past decade. i don't blame you for that, and i am sorry i took out my frustrations about my problems out on you over that period of time. my only attempted excuse is that the problems facing the young today (including myself and certainly seniors of mine as well) simply cannot be put into eloquent words as a way of correcting them. instead, these frustrations are expressed as inflictions of pain and provocations to mutual anger. i have learned to go forth with my own life in this morbid and wretched social climate and physical environment of mine by rejecting the world and what perpetuates it wholesale, and retreating into my own self. perhaps that is what others are doing, however maybe unconsciously, and maybe for a long time. i myself did try a dance with this world for a long time, but it brought on misery and confusion; you cannot dance with a corpse, even though it may be possessed, animated, and thinking itself vigorous. at bottom, i really have no genuine hope for my society, and in some ways everyone i know, and i look forward to my earthly death.
my attempt to speak English with r___ was a regression back into hope. it was foolhardy, and the only closure to our non-relationship was to speak as if i cared. and i did care -- erroneously. caring about the sins of others has always been an error however noble, because their pride is so immeasurable. no matter how subtextually you suggest that they may not be as alive as they self-deceitfully tell themselves that they are, the savage devil inside of them rings the alarm to deafen them and blind them so that they may not perceive the truth. but that is their fault ultimately, and the devil's. i wish them well, but if they ever enter Paradise, i have no doubt i will no longer recognize them, because every way that i do recognize them in this life is distorted. sadly, perhaps this applies just as much to my own self-concept.
but if one denies me honesty, they do not help erase that vile obfuscation. please do not defend disingenuous politeness in my company, ___. it is not something to be defended -- it is analogous to telling a man that life thrives at zero Kelvin.
anyway, please speak for yourself in the future, and do not use my relations as proxies for your condemnations of my roughness. i'd much rather you get your anger about our own past off of your own chest, and you do not need to worry about hurting me if you do so. it is worth a reconciliatory discussion. we'll never have total closure, though, but those very ways and degrees in which we cannot we must both accept. i respect you and i love you, but i will follow no man into the dark of false values and no man should follow me in the like. that is the pain, because the world stinks. go on and say what you like; seriously and soberly.
neil
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